In 1996, a series of discussions began between SGI President Daisaku Ikeda and Soka Gakkai youth division leaders. The discussions spanned a broad range of topics, referring each time to teenage experiences and expectations. The following extracts take on the themes of love, rejection and respect.

Kimura: On television and in magazines, love is frequently depicted as the ultimate goal in life or, to the other extreme, as some kind of game or casual diversion. The media treats women as sex objects – products to be packaged and sold…

Katanosaka: Swayed by the media and peer pressure, many young people seem to be in a hurry to start dating. They must feel that they are missing out if they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when everyone else around them does.

Ikeda: There’s no need to be influenced by such superficial trends. Please don’t get caught up in doing something just because everyone else is. The behaviour of some of the mass media and other negative influences that prey on youth reflects a warped adult society that exploits young people for profit without a thought for their happiness. It is so important that you see these things for what they are and not be deceived by them. Your youth is precious. Each of you is valuable beyond measure. It is foolish to become a puppet of media manipulation. I hope you will resolutely follow your own path in life.

Furthermore, please don’t succumb to the view that love is the be-all and end-all, deluding yourselves that as long as you are in love, nothing else matters. Nor, I hope, will you buy into the misguided notion that sinking even deeper into a painful and destructive relationship is somehow cool. When asked what was most important in this world, a well-known philosopher responded that it is ‘normality, common sense and reason’. There is a time for everything in life – a time to be young, a time to enter the adult world, a time to get married and so on. Moving forward step by step into each different phase accords with reason…

The important thing is for you to do your very best in the endeavours you have to concentrate on now. Through such efforts, you will grow into individuals who have truly wonderful futures ahead of you. I hope you will not sell yourselves short and stifle your vast and limitless potential before it even has a chance to bloom. Far too many people nip their brilliant promise in the bud because of their blind pursuit of love.

Igeta: Some people start out with a clear idea of what they want to do in the future, the kind of work they want to pursue, but then get swept away by the excitement of love. Finally, when they come to their senses, they realize they’ve missed their chance to achieve their goal and are totally lost as to what to do.

Ikeda: Much of daily life tends to be ordinary and unexciting. Making steady efforts day by day can be trying. It’s not always going to be fun. But, when you fall in love, life seems filled with drama and excitement; you feel like the leading character in a novel.

If you get lost in love just because you’re bored, though, and consequently veer from the path you should be following, then love is nothing more than escapism. What you are doing is retreating into a dream world, believing that what is only an illusion is actually real.
If you try to use love as an escape, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long. If anything, you may only find yourselves with even more problems – along with a great deal of pain and sadness. However much we try, we can never run away from ourselves. If we remain weak, suffering will follow us wherever we go. We will never find happiness if we don’t change ourselves from within.

Happiness is not something that someone else, like a lover, can give to us. We have to achieve it for ourselves. And the only way to do so is by developing our character and capacity as human beings; by fully maximizing our potential. If we sacrifice our growth and talent for love, we absolutely will not find happiness. True happiness is obtained through fully realizing our potential.

While in your teens, your scope of experience is still quite limited, and you may not yet have found the area in which your talents are best suited. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that nothing could be more desirable than love. But there is more to live than love. Particularly in the case of women, I feel, real happiness is determined after they enter their forties and onward.

Let me also add here that to embark on a relationship simply as an escape, or because you need something, is extremely disrespectful to both your partner and yourself. In any event, the point is not to be in a hurry. You are young. What’s important now is to work hard at developing yourselves into truly wonderful human beings. Each of you has a precious mission that only you can fulfil. Suffering people around the world are waiting for your brave endeavours. To neglect your mission and seek only personal pleasure is a sign of selfishness. It is impossible for an egotistic, self-centred individual to truly love another person.

On the other hand, if you genuinely love someone, then through your relationship with him or her, you can develop into a person whose love extends to all humanity. Such a relationship serves to strengthen, elevate and enrich your inner realm of life. The same is true for friendship. Only to the extent that you polish yourselves now can you hope to develop wonderful bonds of the heart in the future.

Katanosaka: Some members are concerned about friends who are only hurting themselves by living for momentary thrills. There is a growing attitude among young people that as long as two people like each other, anything goes.

Kimura: One student told me she thinks boys are selfish and deceitful. The fact is, some boys are only out to use girls. So girls have to be on their guard and cultivate their powers of wisdom and judgement in order to see through such people.

Ikeda: Many young women prove extremely vulnerable to the insistent advances of the opposite sex. They act as though stunned and lose their ability to make calm, rational decisions. It is precisely for this reason that young women must develop inner strength and self-respect. Since they are the ones who most often get hurt, they have every right to assert their dignity and look after their welfare. And if the young man in question does not respect this right, then he isn’t worth being with. With some people, however, once they are in a relationship, they have a hard time saying ‘no’ to the other person for fear of losing them. In such cases love is like travelling in a car with no brakes. Sometimes, even if you want to get out, you can’t; even if you get regretting in, the car won’t stop. People often get involved in relationships thinking they are free and independent but at some point find they have become captive to the relationship.

Each of you is infinitely precious. Therefore, I hope you will treat yourselves with utmost respect. Please do not follow a path that will cause you suffering; rather, take the road that is best for your well-being. The truth is, ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is essential, therefore, that each of you work on polishing yourself first.

Katanosaka: Sometimes in a relationship one person tries to become whatever, or do whatever, the other wants in order to avoid losing him or her.

Ikeda: It is demeaning to constantly seek your partner’s approval. Such relationships are bereft of real caring, depth or even love. For those of you who find yourselves in relationships where you are not treated the way your heart says you should be, I hope you will have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off risking the scorn of your partner than enduring unhappiness with him or her. Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality. A shallow person will have only shallow relationships. If you want to experience real love, it is important to first sincerely develop strong self-identity.

True love is not about doing whatever the other person wants you to do or pretending you are something you’re not. If someone genuinely loves you, he or she will not force you to do anything against your will nor embroil you in some dangerous activity.

Furthermore, I personally want to see men being extremely courteous and caring towards women. Men should always remember to respect women, doing their utmost to support them. Rather than depending on women like children, men should become strong enough, compassionate enough and adult enough to care about the lifelong happiness of their partners. This is the quality men must strive to cultivate; it is also an expression of true love. To the young men, I say: Please think when the time comes for you to become a parent and have a daughter of your own – if she were to fall in love, how would you like to see her treated? If you can’t imagine this kind of scenario, then you are not yet qualified for love.

As for those who are concerned about their friends’ well-being, the best thing is to chant daimoku and be there for them. I think it’s important for everyone to have at least one person with whom they can talk about anything. In matters concerning love, it is to your benefit to accept that you are not necessarily the best judge of your situation and have the wisdom to turn to others for their objective opinions and advice. It’s fine to keep some things to yourselves, but please remember that sometimes secrets may hurt you. I am especially concerned about those who have closed themselves off from their friends.

No matter how much you may appear to be enjoying yourselves now, or how serious you think you are about your relationship, if you allow your love life to consume all your time and energy to the detriment of your growth, then you’re just playing a game. And if you’re always playing games, then your life will be just that, a game. Regardless of how large a number is, if it is multiplied by zero, it will inevitably come to zero. To have a relationship that wipes out the value in your life is truly sad.

Kimura: Some people are plunged into deep despair and lose all meaning in life when a relationship ends or their hearts are broken. Some take the rejection as a personal negation of everything they stand for and feel as if they have no value or worth left as human beings.

Ikeda: Many people can probably relate to such feelings. But you are only letting yourselves down if you succumb to unhealthy obsessions in your youth or are so blinded by love that you can’t see anything else. No matter what, you must always do your best to live courageously. You mustn’t be weak-hearted. Youth is a time for advancing bravely into the future. You must not veer off course or fall behind or hide in the shadows.

Youth is not a time for pessimism or self-pity and sadness. Such a mindset is for losers. Please have the confidence and fortitude to think to yourselves when you face rejection, “It’s their loss if they can’t appreciate how wonderful I am!” This is the kind of resilient spirit you must strive to cultivate… Please don’t let a broken heart discourage you. Tell yourselves that you’re not so weak or fragile as to let such a minor thing bring you down. You may think no one could possibly compare to the one you are interested in, but how will he or she compare to the next 100, the next 1000, the next 10.000 people you will meet? You cannot declare with certainty that there won’t be others who far surpass him or her. As you grow, the way you look at people will change as well.

I’m quite sure a few among you have had your hearts broken or been badly hurt and perhaps feel unable to go on, your self-esteem in tatters. But you must never believe that you are worthless. There is no substitute for you, who are more precious than all the treasures in the universe gathered together. No matter what your present circumstances, I think of all of you as my irreplaceable sons and daughters, and I have the greatest expectation that you will overcome all obstacles and rise out of any suffering and despair.

It is crucial that we become strong. If we are strong, even our sadness will become a source of nourishment, and the things that make us suffer will purify our lives. Only when we experience the crushing, painful depths of suffering can we begin to understand the true meaning of life. Precisely because we have experienced great suffering, it is imperative that we go on living.

The important thing is to keep moving forward. If each of you use your sadness as a source of growth, you will become a person of greater depth and breadth – an even more wonderful you. This is the harvest of your pain and suffering. Hold your head high. Because you have lived with all your might, you are victors. You must not sink into depression or take a path that leads to self-destruction…

Katanosaka: One member told me she was worried about a friend who is so desperately afraid of being on her own that when she breaks up with one boyfriend, she immediately goes out and finds a new one.

Ikeda: Every person has the freedom to live his or her way, and each person’s character is different. Nevertheless, I think it’s a shame to spend your youth constantly chasing the opposite sex.

If you’re going to fall in love, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have one great love that lasts a lifetime? And how much more wonderful would it be if that love led to marriage? Of course, this won’t always happen. Nevertheless, it is unfair to both you and the other person if you enter a relationship having already decided that it is just for fun, putting casual relationships in one box and serious relationships or even marriage in a completely separate one.

I’m sure you still have many questions, but the fact is that a future of unlimited possibilities lies before you. There is no need to rush into anything; you don’t need to be in a hurry to grow up. If there is someone you like, what’s wrong with holding onto that feeling inside your heart for a while and resolving to polish yourself so that you can become the kind of person he or she, or anyone, would be proud to be with? Such a spirit of self-development is most admirable, I feel. Whether or not that person ever learns how you feel in your heart, with time those feelings will grow mature like a fine wine. When you become an adult, the memories of your youth will envelop you like a beautiful fragrance. I truly feel that these experiences are the means by which you will all become people of great depth and character.

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This page was last modified on Sunday, August 20, 2006.